I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
