I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
