Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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