my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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