After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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