I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
