I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize