dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
