sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
