I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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