Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
