aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
