Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
