I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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