Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
