No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
