I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
