im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I am mentally ready for anal.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
