saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
