your parents love me but you hate me
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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