look no pants
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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