"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
