my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
