WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
