A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
