please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
