I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
