I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
