he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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