I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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