I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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