When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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