Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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