it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
