Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
