I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
