bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize