Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You took a bar mat shot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize