Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
