U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
