I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
