I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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