Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize