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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
