im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
