would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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