You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
