Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
