Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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