Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
