I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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