the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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