Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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