He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This is my gift to your gina
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
