im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
