The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
