maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
