He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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