her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I AM VODKA MAN
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize